Sunday, November 14, 2010

Night and Day it's Cinderella

Lately, I feel a lot like Cinderella and I'm not paying myself a complement. Now, please don't take this the wrong way because I do feel like parts of my life are fairytale like. I'm just taking a brief moment to vent about the not so fairytale like parts here at Home Sweet Kolkman. I feel very fortunate that I have found the love of my life and together we have a little castle and a couple of kids. But with this good fortune comes a heck of a lot of work. I feel as though I am being pulled in several directions by my many roles in life. I am a mom, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, and friend just to name a few. There are responsibilities that fall under each of these roles and I have committed myself to give my all and do my very best. Some of these responsibilities are extremely pleasant, some are darn right tedious, and all of them steal my time.

These days my biggest complaint is having a lack of time. A lack to time to get it "all" done in one day. A lack of time to be every one's everything. I really hate to admit it out loud here but there have been a few split seconds over the past couple weeks when I missed that part in my life when it was just me. Then guilt sets in and I wish I hadn't felt that way or acknowledged it. I AM living my DREAM. The dream of being all of the things I am in life. Then I realized it's not so much the old me I miss it's time I miss. I daydream about having more time to give to others and to myself. It can't be wrong to daydream. Right?

"Oh, that clock! Old killjoy. I hear you. "Come on, get up," you say, "Time to start another day." Even he orders me around. Well... There's one thing. They can't order me to stop dreaming."

The biggest things that take up my time are the day to day tasks. I work three days one week and four days the next. Recently, I have been picking up some extra hours at work to help pay for our Christmas wish list. Working four days a week every week feels like a lot to me. I know a lot of you work full time and manage to do it "all" with ease. I know I shouldn't be complaining but I just can't help myself. Work has been really hectic with the opening of Blodgett's new O.R.'s. The layout is very big and it's a long ways away from our old O.R.'s. Not only has our working space doubled, tripled, quadrupled in size so has patient holding and PACU. I am walking on average 20,000 steps during my eight hour shift. The average person walks 5,000 to 8,000 steps in a day.

So what's the big deal? My legs are tired by the end of the day and it's been wearing on me physically. We also still seem to have a lot of kinks to work out with the flow of many different process that contribute to life in the O.R. and patient care. The same ole' problems that existed in the old O.R's exist in the new one's and that has been a huge let down. I hate to be the Debbie Downer here but there you have it. All in all the new O.R.'s are really pleasing to the eyes but many of us working in them feel disappointed by parts of the layout, overwhelmed by the overload of technology, and we are completely over crabby stressed out managers. I hope in time it gets better and that it will not mentally and physically deplete all of my energy in just eight working hours.

Part of being a wife and mother is giving of yourself and putting your family's needs before your own. I do this without the bat of an eyelash most days. Aside from contributing to our household's income I take on a lot of mindless household tasks. No matter how hard I try the work just never seems to be done. I am slowly coming to terms with my work never being done but it's a frustrator to me. I do our grocery shopping, banking, bills, dishes, laundry, and I pick up and clean our house. It seems logical since I work out of our home less. However, with a toddler on the loose and in my care, who we now call Captain Crumb, it's no small challenge. Lately, all the tasks seem to be weighing me down leaving me very little or nothing for myself. The reason I have not been here to blog about all of this nonsense I call life.

Cinderella, Cinderella
All I hear is Cinderella, from the moment I get up
till shades of night are falling
There isn't any letup, I hear them calling, calling
"Go up and do the attic and go down and do the cellar, you can do them
both together

How lovely it would be
if I could live in my fantasy
But in the middle of my dreaming
they're screaming
at me

 All I am daydreaming about is having a little time for me. I know it's selfish but some days I want to run screaming out of this house for a few hours... ALONE! I want to sleep through the night without being sequestered to the nursery. I want to take a shower without someone banging on the door. I want to go to the bathroom and wipe without an audience. I want to eat a meal sitting down while it's still hot. I want to clean this house without interruptions or new messes being made. I want to come home from work to an empty sink. I want to read a book from cover to cover in just a few days instead of a few months. I want to watch a movie in the middle of the day of my choice. I want to have a date with my husband outside of this house. I want time to just be a friend instead of a friend who is also parenting during a visit. I want to blog and share our story before the news is old. I want to work on Ava's photo albums before she's eighteen. I want to keep up on her baby book before I forget all of her milestones. I want to learn how to sew by my mom before it's to late. I want to take a cooking class. I want to exercise more. I want to go to bed early and sleep in. I want to...........

Maybe I just need a Fairy Godmother to do a little, "Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Put 'em together and what have you got bibbidi-bobbidi-boo."  Then I could live happily ever after!

I'm afraid it's just not that easy here at Home Sweet Kolkman. I sincerly do love my family. I love Ava more than life itself. The beat of her heart has truly saved mine and each day I am amazed by the depths of our love. But the roles of motherhood and general adult life have been smoothering me to an inch of my being. I despirately needed a break. Thanks Rob for giving me a break today. I appreciate all of your help with Ava and for giving me some "me" time. I really needed it and now I am feeling much better. I know it's important to every mom to have a little time of her own. I promise that I will do what I can when I can to give myself a break. Now if I can just figure out a way to do it "all" without the help of a Fairy Godmother...


  1. Oh, I so know where you are coming from! I think every mother on the planet has these same exact same thoughts.

  2. Erin - I know things are hectic with all you have going and I also know that you truly love your family but trust me one day your going to miss this and want it back ....just like that country song goes (forget who sings it) don't worry about a little mess in your house do what you got to do to relax it will be there when your ready or have time to deal with it .Always take a couple of minutes for you everyday even if it's in the car singing a song or just thinking to yourself. I truly admire you and love reading your blogs . You are a strong woman !!

  3. Oh dear Erin, I don't know you but I would like to recommend a book we read through during church Bible study that totally changed my life and thinking as a mother and wife. It is called, "The Worn Out Woman." We women often do wear ourselves thin taking care of others - but remember, we must take care of ourselves to be of use...if we are continually feeling worn out, our families will actually suffer because what we do is hardly as important as our mood as we do it...think about that! =) God tells us to "Love ourselves as we love our neighbors." Don't feel guilty for loving yourself at times and getting the needed breaks and rest you need! Blessing to you and your sweet family!